My name is Diana (pronounced Deahna), and I am 22 years old. This is my first blog and I guess I started it because I needed a way to vent. I know you’re supposed to use your friends for that, but at times I feel like everyone has so many problems/situations of their own that no one wants to hear mine on top of everything else. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends to death–and that’s no exaggeration–but hopefully someone I don’t know will be reading this and have something to say about it.
As cliche as this sounds, I am currently trying to reinvent myself. You see, my grandmother passed away a week ago, and she was in my native country of Colombia. For personal reasons I could not go to her funeral, and that hurt soo much. Although her death was tough on all of us, we were also relieved that she finally was able to rest, and not have to worry about the disease that had been tormenting her for years.
When I found out about her death I realized how precious life really is despite the fact that we’re always complaining about how boring, useless, monotonous, stressful, etc… it can be. I know my grandma wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my life crying but she’d want me to move on and be happy. That is exactly what I intend to do. The thing is…how do I go about it?
I tried wearing new clothes, listening to different music, hanging out with different people, but nothing seems to work so far. And I’ve been trying to do this way before her death. Although I can’t really go into details, at my age I have had to deal with things most people have not had to deal with in their entire lives. Those things depress me most of the time, and I wish they didn’t because quite frankly I’m sick of being depressed. I have tried to seek professional help, but for some reason or another something seems to happen and I end up backing away from such help. I have been blessed with a very supportive family and although I can feel their love, there are times when I wish I could get away and just have some time for myself. Some time when I can hear myself think, and really figure out what I want out of life.
Currently I am facing one of the toughest decisions of my life. You see, I love school. I do. Most people hate dealing with the work load, and with teachers/professors and cannot wait to be done with it all. However, I am a person that is constantly wanting to learn. Here in the U.S. it is very expensive for me to pursue a career and I have been given the opportunity to move back to my country to finish my education and get a career. Obviously I don’t know what to do, and I feel so hopeless. I get scared thinking about my 13-year-old self getting on a plane to an unknown land, knowing this new life would be difficult in a completely different country. I have been away from my home land so long, that I may not even recognize it anymore.
However, it is offering me something that I couldn’t find here for many personal reasons. The fact that I’d be able to reconnect with my roots would be great and seeing my family after almost 10 years would be fantastic, specially because they all miss me so much, as well as I do. Needless to say I am at a crossroads in my life (once again) except this time my mother won’t be there to make decisions for me. My life depends entirely on my own decisions, and even if my family backs me up 100%, ultimately I am the writer of my own destiny.
This overwhelming decision makes me wish I was a kid again when my sole responsibility was to do well in school. It turns out that the real world hit me hard, and I don’t think I was ready for it. I didn’t really have time to brace my self, per say. But oh well…now all I have to do is move forward. How am I going to do that? I have absolutely no idea. But something is for sure, I do want to change my life and hopefully the lives of others in my way.
I really hope someone’s listening out there, because I could really use some feedback from someone who’s outside looking in. I suppose that is it for now. I came home from work about an hour and a half ago, took some nyquil for a cold I have, and am now exhausted.
Good night/morning world!